25 things that will happen when your iphone battery dies, and evidently IT. WILL. DIE.

1. Your iPhone battery will die. It will get really really hot even though it’s not in use and it will die. It will not hold a charge and it will only pretend to charge on a wall outlet after 12 hours. Then it will laugh at you and die again. This will happen on the first day of your three day weekend get-away (This last part is not Apple’s fault – that belongs the forces that also control toddler ear infections)

2. You will arrive home and first thing Monday morning head out to AT&T Wireless because they are closer and you naively think they will care.

3. You will be lectured about how you are causing the drain yourself with all your fancy smartphone usage by the idiot boy in the AT&T wireless store despite never doing anything different than you ever have. When you loose patience with him, he will inform you it is not his problem anyway since Apple handles warranty problems/work/issues.

4. You will think, thank goodness they finally opened one Apple store in my town-that-is-big-enough-to-host-a-Superbowl last year and drive across town thinking at 11:00 AM on a random summer Monday this isn’t going to be a big deal.

5. You will arrive at said store and learn that:

A. Every going-off-to-college freshman in this not-so-small-town is there at that store that morning with their parents – both of them, and their younger siblings.

B. There is something called a “Genius Bar” and they handle broken equipment on an appointment basis only. You will also learn that despite their advertising Apple computers must break a lot because there are people lined up 10 deep clutching their Mac Books to their chests, eyes glazed over,  waiting to be seen

6. You will not like it but you will make an appointment for 3:00 the next day.

7. You will come back the next day (15 minutes early like you were instructed) “sign in” and wait an 45 minutes to be seen. The sad laptop clutching people are less numbered that day but still there in shocking mass.

8. A nice enough “Genius” will listen to you, nod, say THEY’VE BEEN HEARING THIS ALOT LATELY  – push a few buttons, plug it in, go in the back and hang out with his friends for 10 minutes. Come back push a few buttons and say “Look it’s charging now! The battery just needed to be reset.”  Then he’ll think again and say .. “But in case that doesn’t work .. call the 800 line at this number and tell them I said to walk you though these two steps,(writes them on the back of his card) that should work. But if it doesn’t come back and we’ll replace it.”

The time he actually spent with you will be less than 3 minutes.

9. You will go home and realize that during the 30 minutes drive back home – the battery has completely drained.

10. You will do as you’re told and call the 800 number – be told you don’t qualify for phone support. Rant. Rant again. Read verbatim off the back of the card you were given by the boy. Try not to laugh when the person of the phone responds:

“The Genius didn’t know what he was talking about”

You will wonder when he doesn’t laugh if they realize how funny that is when they say it.

You will be very thankful when phone person says they will send you a new phone to arrive tomorrow,

11. You will receive new phone next day (Wednesday).. You will be excited when the box comes. Think nice thoughts about helpful phone person and maybe think you need to give Apple a break. Open box, find it to be empty – except for the box you’re supposed to send your phone back in. Re-think nice thoughts and decide Apple officially sucks.

12. You will call phone people. Be told you don’t qualify for phone support. Rant. Rant some more. Refuse to part ways with your current phone that at least works when it’s tethered to the computer. Be told you can get a new phone if they are allowed to charge your credit card $400 (to be credited upon receipt of old phone) and you will also pay $30 for the shipping.

13. You will Rant

14. You will be told you can go back to the store – in fact be told they will even be so helpful as to make an appointment for you over the system -  At 4:00 on FRIDAY!

15. You will get in car and drive to Apple store.

16. You will explain to your 7 year old that had to come with you:

A. Mommy is going to yell at people and it has nothing to do with her.

B. She is for once in her life allowed to TOUCH AS MUCH SHE WANTS in that store

17. You will wait in line as woman in front of you – who has no appoint – explains she has started having exactly the same problem.

18. You will start ranting crazy stuff at the innocent name-taking person and demand to be seen – ramble endlessly about the poor service you’ve received and point wildly at Genius boy who didn’t help the day before. Be told you’ll be seen in the next 30-45 minutes.

19. You will wait over an hour

20. You will hunt down lady in front of you and warn her DO NOT LEAVE THIS STORE WITHOUT A NEW PHONE!

21. You will watch the Genius boy-who-didn’t-really-help-you, who you now hate, avoids you as he walks though the store stacks of pizza and shouts excitedly how it’s his last day.

22. You will finally be seen by another Genius who starts to question you and then sees the case notes in the computer and thinks better of it. He will (GOD BLESS HIM) replace your phone. He will advise you that “you might want to only sync the phone not restore your backup as that might re-install whatever is causing the battery to have a problem  and the only thing you loose that way is your previous text messages anyway.” You will thank him for his sage advice.

23. You will go home and find him to be dead wrong. Syncing doesn’t get any of your stuff back. Remember that you’ve been warned by Apple themselves that “The Genius didn’t know what he was talking about.” You’ll do a restore anyway. You’ll call AT&T Wireless for advice on restoring the phone, be unknowingly transferred for Apple, be told you don’t qualify for phone support. You’ll give up.

24. You’ll find the answers on the internet. You’ll find information on how to do a complete data wipe and start from scratch restoring and find that it works perfectly. Internet trumps Genius.

25. The people who run advertising on your blog will complain that you haven’t written anything new in over a week and you’ll hope this explains why.


2 thoughts on “25 things that will happen when your iphone battery dies, and evidently IT. WILL. DIE.

  1. Aw, laughing but crying too!
    I rue the day my iPod dies…

  2. Somehow I think batteries die on a schedule so the phone companies can keep trying to get you to upgrade your phone. Most of the time the battery costs nearly as much as a new phone.

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